


i could never give you peace

by queenC_13



Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Smut, also the title of the google doc was 'murder is sexy', emotional smut, enjoy???, if you were wondering 'can sex be sad and sexy?', take that as you will, the answer is yes, this is basically a missing scene going from 1x10 to 2x01
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-19
Updated: 2020-09-19
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:34:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26551444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenC_13/pseuds/queenC_13
Summary: "She all but throws herself into the other woman, trying to press all the hurt she’s feeling from herself onto Jen, because she thinks that Jen should have to deal with some of this hurt as well."a missing moment in time from between jen killing steve and them making breakfast together in the morning
Relationships: Judy Hale & Jen Harding, Judy Hale/Jen Harding
Comments: 27
Kudos: 82





	i could never give you peace

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bethchildz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bethchildz/gifts), [cardeloons](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cardeloons/gifts).



> prompt from 2 of my favorites who asked for hate sex (which of course turned into angst sex) post jen and judy putting steve's body in the freezer.... this was the result
> 
> (biggest thanks as always to my wife @everydaybicon for the beta!!)

_What do we do?_

Judy’s own words echo in her ears as she stares at the freezer in front of them. Her muscles are aching from the strain of dragging and lifting the dea-

The weight.

Of Steve.

Because—

Her ears start ringing as she finishes the thought.

_Steve is dead. Gone._

Jen killed him.

He was going to kill Jen, so Jen _had_ to kill him.

The two people that she loves most in the entire world; the two people who have the power to destroy her so wholly; and now one of them is just… gone. 

Black spots start to cloud her vision as the ringing gets louder and she dimly hears a gasping noise that she realizes is herself.

She can’t breathe.

“C’mon Jude, come here, come here.”

She hears the voice like it’s coming from underwater, and then a warm weight against her back—an arm, she realizes. Jen’s voice; Jen’s arm.

“Come on baby you’re okay, breathe with me. You’re okay, you’re okay.” The words are murmured against her temple and she struggles to grasp at them, to focus on their meaning. The warmth is encompassed all along her back now, Jen pressed against her with both arms wrapped around Judy’s chest, squeezing, providing a welcome pressure that slowly starts to ground her. 

As she becomes more aware she feels dampness along her cheeks, tastes the salty tears on her lips; hears the choked gasps of her own unsteady breathing. 

Jen is still murmuring comforting words and Judy shivers as she becomes aware of the hot breath against her ear. Of the fact that Jen’s body is pressed entirely against her own.

(That she can feel the beautiful curves of her.)

“Jude?”

Jen’s voice is soft—soft like before. 

_You have me._

_You’re a part of this family._

And Judy knows what prompted the change, knows that Jen just feels guilty for what she’s just done. Knows that Jen probably still hates her, regardless. 

_You can die._

Even though she interrupted Judy. When she was going to—

 _I need you to come home_.

But maybe…

Maybe she does still like (love?) Judy in her own way. She said _home_. Like Judy still lives there, like maybe she’s still a part of this family, or could be. 

“Jude.” 

She realizes she hasn’t answered, knows she has to say something. But what can she even say in a situation like this? What are the right words?

Her breaths start coming faster again as the memory of Steve’s body flashes through her mind. 

Suddenly her body is being turned and then Jen’s face is in front of her, mere inches away, eyes wide with worry and- is that concern? Then Jen’s hands are cupping her face, hot and clammy. 

Strong hands, hands that killed—

Judy shuts her eyes and shakes her head minutely. No, not that.

She takes a shuddering inhale before opening her eyes back up and meeting Jen’s gaze, feels like the breath has been knocked out of her at the intensity, at the heat of it all. 

Jen’s eyes have always been a source of fascination for Judy, a way for her to try and guess what goes on inside her head, of what she’s feeling but would never dare say. The icy green that reminds Judy of sea glass—brilliant in its beauty, and can cut just as hard. 

And now those eyes are locked on her, serious and something dark, something unreadable, and those hands are still framing her face only now Judy focuses on the strength in them, on how solid they feel against her own skin. 

Their faces are so close that she can feel Jen’s breaths, can hear her own harsh pants which sound deafening in the quiet. Her eyes shift down to Jen’s lips, quick, but she catches the movement of Jen’s own eyes in response. 

The air between them is charged, almost sizzling with electricity. 

And Judy’s not sure who moves first but suddenly they’re kissing, all fury and passion, teeth clashing and mouths moving together like this is what they were made to do. Jen’s mouth moves up Judy’s cheek just below her ear and she feels teeth graze the skin, then a tongue darting out to soothe it.

 _“Fuck,_ ” she gasps out, her voice startlingly loud in the moment. 

Jen lets out a noise in response, something between a growl and a moan, and then descends down Judy’s neck, kissing and biting harshly as Judy holds on for dear life. She feels a hand roughly grab her breast and squeeze as the other hand hitches under the skirt of her dress and pulls her leg up around Jen’s waist, opening her body up for the taking. Judy can’t stop herself from thrusting into Jen’s leg, desperate for friction, for anything. Jen’s hand yanks down the top of her dress and shoves her hand inside, under Judy’s bra, tweaking a nipple and Judy’s legs almost give out at the pain mixed with pleasure. 

They stumble for a moment before Jen takes her hand back, puts them around Judy and starts pushing her backwards until her body hits—

 _Oh_. 

The freezer.

Judy doesn’t even have a moment to focus on that before Jen’s hands are under her, lifting her up onto the hard top of the freezer, the cool surface a stark contrast to her overheated skin. Jen pulls her dress up and shoves her fingers past the lace of Judy’s underwear, letting out her own soft “fuck” as she feels how wet Judy is.

And Judy is wet—she’s dripping. She’s not sure she’s ever been this turned on in her life, even as she’s sure her life might actually be imploding around her.

Jen thrusts into her quickly with three fingers, the wet sounds obscene in the otherwise quiet garage. Judy can feel tears rolling down her cheeks and lets out a choked moan (almost a sob, really) as Jen’s thumb brushes her clit, and then feels the fingers immediately pulling out at the noise, making Judy feel empty—so empty. But she doesn’t want to feel empty; she wants this, she _needs_ this, needs Jen to make her _feel_ something.

“No,” she groans out. “I want it, I want it.”

Jen holds eye contact steadily for a moment, her expression tight, searching, before her fingers thrust back in, _hard_ , and this time it’s definitely a moan that escapes Judy’s lips. She tries to keep her eyes open, to look at Jen while she’s doing this ( _do you still hate me? did you ever think we’d get here? have you thought about fucking me like this before?_ ) but after another few swipes on her clit the pleasure is too great; her eyes slam shut and head rolls back. Jen leans forward to Judy’s exposed neck, bites at her pulse point and gives ones more particularly hard thrust before Judy is coming harder than she can ever remember, clenching so tightly around Jen’s hand the other woman can only keep her fingers where they are as Judy rides it out, finally giving one last shudder before her body goes lax. 

Jen pulls her fingers out (more delicately than they had been going in), and Judy opens her eyes as Jen wipes them a bit carelessly on her shirt. She looks under Judy—looks at the _freezer_ —and Judy can feel a sensation building in her chest, doesn’t even know what it is at first. It’s slow, and she wonders if somehow she’s going to come again, untouched, but then a sob bursts forth and it feels like her insides are collapsing, like she’s breaking, and she wraps her arms tightly around her middle as if she can hold the broken pieces together as Jen watches near helplessly by.

(Which confirms it for Judy—that this is just guilt, that all Judy has left is herself. But she’s never been good at being there for herself.)

And her sobs are loud, practically earth shattering in the air around them until she’s wrapped in Jen’s arms again and she all but throws herself into the other woman, trying to press all the hurt she’s feeling from herself onto Jen, because she thinks that Jen should have to deal with some of the hurt as well.

(She doesn’t need to dissect why, is trying not to think about—)

Jen is shushing her, like before, but less gently, like she doesn’t want to touch Judy too hard, doesn’t want anything to mean too much now. And then they’re walking, Jen’s arm around her back, guiding them upstairs into Jen’s room, where she used to feel safe but now she feels… she doesn’t know what, but she doesn’t think it’s good. Thinks it might be a little something like anger. 

They’re laying on Jen’s bed now and Judy is on Jen’s chest but she can feel how tense the other woman is, stiff, like a coil waiting to spring and she doesn’t want that, she wants a reaction from Jen, wants Jen to feel just a fraction of what she’s feeling. She shifts so that she’s hovering above Jen, basically straddling her as they stare at each other, letting the emotions run through them once again without words until much like before, Judy is surging forward and capturing Jen’s lips with her own.

She bites Jen’s bottom lip, almost hard enough to draw blood, not caring if it hurts (but feels the pleasure start to rise back up in her at the moan that gets released with Jen’s lip.)

She reaches her arm down and cups Jen roughly over her pajama pants, smirks as Jen immediately jerks into the sensation, clearly not unaffected from the earlier moment.

 _Good_.

She moves her hand around slowly, staying over the fabric until Jen is moving her hips restlessly, lets out a wanton “ _please”_ that Judy knows doesn’t come easy. 

“Please what, baby?” Judy’s voice sounds rough, dark, even to her own ears. 

But Jen’s eyes flash just as dark back and she knows the other woman is enjoying this, wants it just as much as she does, confirmed by her slowly drawing out her next words: “Please. Fuck. Me.”

Judy yanks down Jen’s pajama pants and underwear in one fell swoop at the response and moves forward, spreading Jen’s legs and shoving her mouth in Jen’s dripping cunt at the same time. 

_“_ Jesus _fuck_ , Judy.”

Her hips jerk up, hard, and Judy pins them down with her left arm as she brings her right hand up to join her mouth. She slips one finger in, then two, and moves her mouth up to Jen’s clit, takes it roughly between her teeth, wanting Jen to feel the same mix of pain and pleasure that she made Judy herself felt before. 

Jen’s meeting her thrusts sloppily, her hips still jerking under Judy’s arm, her thighs trembling against Judy’s body. She takes her mouth away for a moment, waits until Jen is looking at her. 

“Are you going to come for me?”

Jen moans, low and deep at the words.

“Answer me,” Judy orders as she delivers another hard thrust.

“Yes, fuck Jude, yes.”

“Good girl.” And at the words Judy leans back down and takes Jen’s clit back into her mouth and sucks as Jen lets out a near shriek in response and then she’s coming, body shaking uncontrollably and babbling incoherently.

(Judy never thought Jen would be _loud_ , can’t help but feel slight pride at being the one who caused this—caused Jen to finally come undone.)

She waits until Jen’s body stops trembling before she moves, taking her fingers out and sucking them clean, holding eye contact with Jen as she does—relishing in the noise of pleasure Jen makes in response. She moves back up Jen’s body, captures Jen’s lips in a messy kiss, forcing her to taste herself on Judy’s tongue; kissing until both of their cheeks are wet with tears this time and they're clutching at one another in a confusing mix of grief and comfort. 

Judy pulls back, opens her mouth to ask a question but is interrupted by Jen’s alarm clock going off.

6:00am.

They’ve been awake all night.

The harsh beeping breaks them apart, forces them back into reality, into what their lives really are now—intertwined by two murders, a cheating ex husband, an abusive fiance, and so much hurt in between.

“I have to get breakfast ready for the boys.” Jen’s voice breaks Judy out of her thoughts, hoarse from their earlier actions.

She looks wrecked—hair completely mussed, lips swollen and red, but with the bags under her eyes also betraying her exhaustion. 

Judy’s sure she looks much the same.

“I’ll help,” she finally responds.

They get up from the bed, Judy awkwardly straightening her dress as Jen pulls her pants back up and moves towards the door without another glance.

Judy doesn’t think they’ll ever talk about what happened tonight, and she’s not sure she ever wants to.

She just needs to get through this morning.

After all, she only has herself.

**Author's Note:**

> please leave thoughts i live for validation k thx bye


End file.
